So the past two months have been strange. I've been trying to put all of these emotions into tangible words and it's hard. Let me start off by saying that in the summer of 2009 my husband and I decided we wanted to have a baby. All of my life I had always dreamed of the day when I would have a child of my very own, to teach and learn from, to love and instill values in. We tried for three months and in October learned I was pregnant! It was the happiest time of my entire life, next to the day I got to marry my best friend. You see we were planning and plotting and I was keeping track of my periods, when I was ovulating, hell I even bought those ovulation predictors. So on that friday afternoon when I found out I was indeed carrying a little peanut, my heart was so full it could burst.
Fast forward to today... my little M just turned one and this past year has been the most amazing, trying at times, and fulfilling year of my life. Now what you need to know about me is I am a planner. To the T. M was planned and wished for and I had all the time in the world to prepare myself before he was even in exsistence. I had it all planned out, we would have two children, three years apart. My brother and I, and my husband and his sister are both three years apart and I thought that was the perfect age gap. That way when the second baby was born M would be hopefully potty trained, a little more independant, maybe even in some sort of pre school type setting. It made perfect sense!
I was loving the fact that I had finally shed that stubborn 43 pounds I gained during my pregnancy. I was enjoying that glass of wine at the end of a long day. I was REALLY loving all of those cups of coffee and redbull I consumed on a regular basis. I thought I had it all figured out.
Then fate stepped in and not even two weeks after we celebrated my little guy's first birthday, I found out I was pregnant again. I say fate because literally there was only one occasion that it could have happened, I was about to be on birth control and in the heat of the moment we said "screw it, it will never happen! just once, there's no way we could get pregnant!". famous.last.words.
I was in denial up until I took that test. Even after that positive sign was staring me in the face, I was still in denial. Shock. Numb. I honestly don't even know how I felt, I can't describe it. I was happy but there was SO much going through my head. Can we afford another baby right now? Can we do this? This wasn't the plan! I was supposed to have more time with just M! Is he going to be jealous of the new baby? Is it fair to him? I'm going to have two under the age of two! I always said those people were crazy that had kids so close together! Holy shit how will I even be able to leave the house with a newborn and almost two year old??
I never want this baby to think they were an "accident". I don't really know what I believe in, but I do believe in the ability to let go and let things take their course. This baby was supposed to be ours and even if I wasn't aware of the timing, I believe everything happens for a reason. I hear so much about couples struggling with infertility and it really puts things in perspective for me. We are blessed. We will have two very close in age, and things will no doubt be crazy for a long time. Chances are my house won't ever be clean again, I won't ever have my sanity, we will struggle with money, but in the end it will be worth it. We are going to be a family of four.